Let's celebrate Halloween by paying tribute not to John Carpenter's 1978 classic film of the same title, but to its second sequel, Halloween III: Season of the Witch, which just may be the worst piece of shit to ever come out of a horror franchise.
First, let's begin with a little history. At the end of Halloween II, Michael Myers, the iconic killer of the series, is apparently blown to smithereens, along with his arch-foe, the heroic Dr. Loomis. For the next sequel, the producers, in a typically brilliant bit of Hollywood decision-making, decided to completely scrap the Michael Myers character (i.e. the whole reason the series was popular in the first place), and go in an entirely different direction. They decided that with each new Halloween movie, they'd tell an entirely different scary story with all new characters.
An interesting idea, in theory...except that when Halloween III was released, no one knew what the hell was going on. There was no Michael Myers, no Laurie Strode, no Sam Loomis. Instead, horror fans got this hackneyed story about some toymaker who wants to kill trick-or-treaters. There was no relation to the first two films whatsoever, and fans were absolutely pissed. Not surprisingly, the movie bombed and the filmmakers returned to the old Michael Myers well for the fourth installment, and every one thereafter.
Maybe audiences would have been able to get past all the confusion if the film were actually, you know, good. Unfortunately, it's just gawdawful. The plot centers around this crazy old toymaker who hatches this plot to kill thousands of little kids on Halloween (whatta guy) and replace them with robotic clones (???). To carry out this plot, he manufactures these weird masks that, when put on and then prompted by this really annoying TV commercial, crush the skull of whoever is wearing it. What a bastard.
I mean, there's fun bad taste, like the Evil Dead movies, and then there's just plain old bad taste, like a movie that seemingly takes great joy in showing us little kids getting offed in terrible ways by evil pumpkin masks. Who in God's name ever thought people would find this shit entertaining? It's just awful, mean-spirited stuff.
And that mask commercial that plays throughout the whole movie, the one that sends out the signal to the mask to do the job on the little kids? Oh lord. It's the most annoying thing I've ever heard in my life, and it plays over and over again. Once it starts playing, you'll want to put on one of those killer masks yourself so you can just end the misery of watching this abomination of a movie.
Well, there you have it, maybe the worst sequel to ever come out of any franchise, ever, and yes, that includes Scary Movie 2. Before I go, though, I'll let the good people at Silver Shamrock wish you a great Halloween night. Prepare to have this song ingrained in your head for the next month. Watch the Magic Pumpkin, bitches!
Happy Halloween!
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